Deej
Maximum Pace
- Oct 13, 2007
- 1,018
- 150
Today was a short, fast ride to Shiroyama Lake near Hashimoto. The fall foliage was stunning. If you haven't been there, and don't have time to make it to the mountains, I recommend it. Jules -- I would have given you a heads-up, but I made a decision to go at the last minute. Next time!
Again, I'd like to stress that I'm not competitive. However, threats to my supremacy along the Onekan can only have a destabilizing effect on my kingdom and subjects, and so must be dealt with swiftly, aggressively and, most importantly, with panache.
Today, I once again dueled with a few renegades along the thoroughfare between Yanokuchi and Hashimoto, and again emerged victorious every time. Let's face it -- the kid is good.
Having made this journey many times, I've learned how to accurately tell the pretenders from the contenders at a glance. The following is a brief guide to my decisionmaking process.
You will not be able to keep up with me if:
1. You are wearing a fanny pack. This tells me you are just making the jump from pottering and are probably carrying an SLR camera, a full-size wallet and cigarettes. Consider yourself Deejinated.
2. You are riding a bike that says "Y's Collection" or "Antares." Sometimes, it is about the bike.
3. You are wearing Assos from head to toe. This tells me you worry more about looking good than being able to maintain a punishing pace for an extended period.
4. You are wearing a full professional team kit. Especially Discovery Channel* or Astana. Out the way, newbie bandwagoneer, Deej has a new Personal Best to set. Deejination is also imminent for those wearing Yellow Jerseys, Polka Dot Jerseys or Green Jerseys -- you don't even know what they mean, do you?
*Mike, who is a Speedy Gentleman, has a Discovery kit. But he's, you know, Australian.
5. You are wearing Rapha from head to toe. OK, you may be fast, but my annoyance at your preening dandiness and sense of sartorial superiority will power me past you every time. And to the Rapha dude who smirked at me today, remember this: My yellow helmet, black jacket and neon-blue pants may have appeared like a color-coordinator's nightmare to you, but when you smirk at me, you're smirking at the flag of the Republic of Tanzania. Deejbait.
6. Your shoulders rock with every pedal stroke. Our gap widens with every watt you lose.
7. Your helmet is sitting way back on your head, exposing your feathered bangs. Please, guys, that not only looks extremely lame, but it's half-defeating the purpose of wearing a helmet in the first place.
8. You have a big saddle bag that sways back and forth with every pedal stroke. There's no way a guy with a big, sloppy saddle bag can be faster than me.
9. You are not Japanese. Sure, there are faster gaijin out there, but I've yet to meet one on the Onekan.
You may be faster than me if:
1. You are wearing white from head to toe. This tells me you are a confident mofo who feels he has earned the right to wear all white. This could hurt.
2. You are not wearing a helmet. This tells me you think you are fast enough to get away with this -- and maybe you are. You also think helmets are for losers. You're a loose cannon and could make my ride very painful.
2. You are only wearing shorts, a jersey and armwarmers in cold weather. You are a hardman. I must choose my moment to escape carefully; this guy may be able to reel me in quickly.
3. Your stem is 120mm or longer. Sprinters prefer longer stems to keep their front wheels from lifting when hitting the gas. Also, a long stem tells me you probably have ridden long enough to be able to handle the longer stretch and understand its benefits.
4. You have no saddle bag. You're probably a gram-counter. That means you're probably fast. You're still gonna get Deejinated, fool.
5. You are track-standing when I roll up to the intersection. You like to explode out of the gates. Well so do I, sucker!
6. Your kit is a mish-mash of brands and colors, and well-worn. This is a guy who is so confident about his abilities that he just throws on whatever's clean. Dangerous. I will attack him on the climbs and hope he gets caught at a light. Whatever it takes, baby.
So who wants to go for a nice, leisurely spin with me along the Onekan?
I should add that three years ago, I thought Campagnolo was a brand of clothing, had no idea what a compact crank was or that I was in fact using one. And I came *this* close to buying a polka dot jersey.
Deej
Again, I'd like to stress that I'm not competitive. However, threats to my supremacy along the Onekan can only have a destabilizing effect on my kingdom and subjects, and so must be dealt with swiftly, aggressively and, most importantly, with panache.
Today, I once again dueled with a few renegades along the thoroughfare between Yanokuchi and Hashimoto, and again emerged victorious every time. Let's face it -- the kid is good.
Having made this journey many times, I've learned how to accurately tell the pretenders from the contenders at a glance. The following is a brief guide to my decisionmaking process.
You will not be able to keep up with me if:
1. You are wearing a fanny pack. This tells me you are just making the jump from pottering and are probably carrying an SLR camera, a full-size wallet and cigarettes. Consider yourself Deejinated.
2. You are riding a bike that says "Y's Collection" or "Antares." Sometimes, it is about the bike.
3. You are wearing Assos from head to toe. This tells me you worry more about looking good than being able to maintain a punishing pace for an extended period.
4. You are wearing a full professional team kit. Especially Discovery Channel* or Astana. Out the way, newbie bandwagoneer, Deej has a new Personal Best to set. Deejination is also imminent for those wearing Yellow Jerseys, Polka Dot Jerseys or Green Jerseys -- you don't even know what they mean, do you?
*Mike, who is a Speedy Gentleman, has a Discovery kit. But he's, you know, Australian.
5. You are wearing Rapha from head to toe. OK, you may be fast, but my annoyance at your preening dandiness and sense of sartorial superiority will power me past you every time. And to the Rapha dude who smirked at me today, remember this: My yellow helmet, black jacket and neon-blue pants may have appeared like a color-coordinator's nightmare to you, but when you smirk at me, you're smirking at the flag of the Republic of Tanzania. Deejbait.
6. Your shoulders rock with every pedal stroke. Our gap widens with every watt you lose.
7. Your helmet is sitting way back on your head, exposing your feathered bangs. Please, guys, that not only looks extremely lame, but it's half-defeating the purpose of wearing a helmet in the first place.
8. You have a big saddle bag that sways back and forth with every pedal stroke. There's no way a guy with a big, sloppy saddle bag can be faster than me.
9. You are not Japanese. Sure, there are faster gaijin out there, but I've yet to meet one on the Onekan.
You may be faster than me if:
1. You are wearing white from head to toe. This tells me you are a confident mofo who feels he has earned the right to wear all white. This could hurt.
2. You are not wearing a helmet. This tells me you think you are fast enough to get away with this -- and maybe you are. You also think helmets are for losers. You're a loose cannon and could make my ride very painful.
2. You are only wearing shorts, a jersey and armwarmers in cold weather. You are a hardman. I must choose my moment to escape carefully; this guy may be able to reel me in quickly.
3. Your stem is 120mm or longer. Sprinters prefer longer stems to keep their front wheels from lifting when hitting the gas. Also, a long stem tells me you probably have ridden long enough to be able to handle the longer stretch and understand its benefits.
4. You have no saddle bag. You're probably a gram-counter. That means you're probably fast. You're still gonna get Deejinated, fool.
5. You are track-standing when I roll up to the intersection. You like to explode out of the gates. Well so do I, sucker!
6. Your kit is a mish-mash of brands and colors, and well-worn. This is a guy who is so confident about his abilities that he just throws on whatever's clean. Dangerous. I will attack him on the climbs and hope he gets caught at a light. Whatever it takes, baby.
So who wants to go for a nice, leisurely spin with me along the Onekan?
I should add that three years ago, I thought Campagnolo was a brand of clothing, had no idea what a compact crank was or that I was in fact using one. And I came *this* close to buying a polka dot jersey.
Deej